Saturday, 15 August 2009
Aston Villa v Wigan, 15:00
I spent last Saturday afternoon with an Alien named Alan and showed him 90 minutes of Emile Heskey playing. I then got him to watch a football match from every other professional or semi-professional league and then asked Alan to guess what match this weekend involves Heskeys current club vs former club. He said Stafford Rangers v Corby.
Prediction: 2-0 (to Stafford Rangers).
Blackburn v Man City, 15:00
8000 travelling City fans never arrive at the ground as when selecting the destination Blackburn into the SATNAV the artificial intelligence decides that the coach drivers are obviously suicidal and directs them onto Morecambe and straight into the sea.
Bolton v Sunderland, 15:00
If you are coming from anywhere south of Bolton and were to travel 36 minutes more you could go and watch Blackburn vs Manchester City. Trust me..it's the best 36 minutes you'll ever spend.
Prediction: Long balls and boredom.
Chelsea v Hull, 12:45
How fat is Ray Wilkins? He speaks Italian don't you know. I'm guessing he knows two words. "Ragu" and "Seconds".
Prediction: One dead coach by the end of the season and tonnes of Ray Wilkins stuff on Ebay.
Everton v Arsenal, 17:30
So Marouane Fellaini has the best Wafro since Leo Sayer. So they finished 5th last season despite having no money. Does that mean that they can keep imprisoned Joleon Lescott from fulfilling his lifelong dream of joining Manchester City? No it does not.
Prediction: Lescott handcuffs himself to the post in protest at not being allowed to leave and clears off the line 4 times. 1-0(Fellaini)
Portsmouth v Fulham, 15:00
Both sets of fans are applauded for actually turning up to a ground that is narrowly beaten out by concentration camp in Escape To Victory as the most depressing place ever to field a football match. Stick some Swastika banners over the side with no roof and it's a tie.If only Fulham had an American Goalie I'd fancy their chances. What do you mean? Is Kasey Keller not dead yet?
Prediction: 2-1(Fratton Park)
Stoke v Burnley, 15:00
Both these towns have a large BNP following and BNP councillors. As a result both players come out in all white kits and no one knows who is playing who.After the match the FA release an immediate letter that asks all clubs to sing the traditional words of the football chant "Who's the bastard in the black" and not to exchange the words "in the" for "who is".
Wolverhampton v West Ham, 15:00
Unless you've got Carlton Cole or Ebanks-Blake in your fantasy football team will you care about this match?
Sunday, 16 August 2009
Man Utd v Birmingham, 13:30
No comment from me here. Can someone just put a looped video of Evras penalty from the Charity Shield.
Prediction: 3-0Tottenham v Liverpool, 16:00
Steven Gerrard never plays a minute as he takes umbridge with the PA guy about the music he has chosen the teams to come out to and is involved in an ugly scuffle. Andy Gray from Sky Sports still reckons Gerrard is the best player on the pitch despite the fact that he spends the afternoon in a police cell.
Submitted by Bob Bobbedy